5 things not to say to someone with depression - by Mags Beardow
This might be a bit of a provocative topic and I guess not everyone will agree with me... but I’ve put together the list of things that I’ve heard said to people dealing with depression that I feel really don’t help.
1) You’re not the only one
I have lost track the amount of times I have heard this said to people, or the amount of times clients have said people have said this to them. I wonder if people are trying to ‘cheer’ the person up? whether they feel by pointing out that there are other people struggling will help the person feel less alone? It doesn’t. It can make the person feel much worse as their experience or feelings are ignored or compared to other people’s. How does knowing that other people are feeling depressed/anxious/suicidal improve their feelings? It doesn’t. So please don’t say it.
2) Other people have it much worse
This sort of links into number 1 on the list. Again, frequently said by clients when they are trying to ‘slap’ themselves out of their low mood or depression. “I know other people have it so much worse” is probably one of the saddest things that I hear clients say. For me it’s like saying ‘How I feel isn’t as important as how other people feel’, as if there is some competition or ‘top trumps’ for levels of depression. It doesn’t make a person feel better because they know that other people are suffering and how do we compare how someone feels against someone else’s feelings? We have no idea how someone else feels, so how do we know if someone else has it much worse?
3) You’re just not trying...
Depression can be all consuming. Sometimes it can feel like the depths of despair, sometimes it can be feeling a bit low and well sometimes it can be feeling absolutely nothing, being devoid of any emotion at all. To hear ‘you just need to try harder’ when someone is feeling in the depths of despair is simply adding a whole layer of sh*t on top of how terrible they are already feeling. Depression doesn’t just disappear if they ‘think positive’ or if they ‘try harder’. It can make people feel even more worthless. Please don’t say it. It doesn’t help, and it can make people feel a hell of a lot worse.
4) You just need to get out more
Now this might be a controversial one. Yes, there is research that shows exercising, getting out into nature and walking/running can improve our mental well-being. However, my problem with this phrase is the word ‘just’…I have a whole blog coming about the ‘just’ word because it is one word that really annoys me. In this case it implies that if you just exercise, just get outside, just go running this will lift your depression. It might well do, it might not but…using the word ‘just’ implies that that it’s an easy thing to do. For someone in the depths of depression getting out of bed can feel an impossible task; so when you suggest they go out for a gentle stroll you might as well say ‘why don’t you go and climb Mount Everest this afternoon’ as that’s what it’s going to feel like to them. Drop the ‘just’ word, it doesn’t help.
5) But you don’t look depressed…
I don’t actually know what someone with depression is supposed to look like. Yes, they may look sad or distant but equally many people with depression feel the pressure to ‘wear a mask’ and pretend they are ok and hide how they really feel from others. Other people with depression might be known as the ‘life and soul’ of a party. But again, how helpful is it to say to someone with depression they don’t look depressed? They may not look how you expect someone with depression to look, but that’s your stuff not theirs. Please don’t say it, it doesn’t help, and it can make people feel less likely to share how they really feel and more pressured to ‘pretend’ to feel a certain way when they feel the exact opposite. And that isn’t going to help.
The above isn’t written to make anyone worried about talking to someone with depression; and I know there’s no perfect way to talk to a family member, a friend or a colleague about depression but I believe that listening without judgement, and letting them know you care and are there for them can go a long way towards them feeling heard and supported.